Many of you know my long struggle and battle of dealing with endometriosis, but most times I try to keep a huge smile on face. I know that things could be far worse. I share my journey for me and possibly for you if it fits. In some weird way I've convinced myself that it makes the healing process go by better.
February 09, 2017. I looked forward to this day for a little over a month. I knew that this would be the day that I could be cleared for the TTC (trying to conceive) process with my husband. My spirits were high....way high. My family and close friends offered much kind words and prayers....and that....that was enough to get me through the nervous jitters.
I went into the office and my nerves went haywire. I could feel it in my gut that this appointment wouldn't go exactly how I wanted; however, I wasn't aware of just how downhill it would fall. I had my yearly PAP and my ultrasound to monitor the progression or digression of my endometriosis. I heard the following words....I just need to run one more test known as a rectal exam. It was then that I knew something was wrong....something was terribly wrong.
Moeneak, I'm sorry to inform you that you have tumors the size of melons on both ovaries and in the front and back of your uterus. You have so much scar tissue built up on your ovaries and uterus that we can't even see the left ovary at all and we are only able to see about 10% of your right one. The scar tissue is so bad and thick that your eggs are not even passing through. Which makes it impossible for you to conceive a child. It would be in your best interest to prepare yourself for an emergency hysterectomy......
Confusion...numbness...chills...No! NO! NO!!! This isn't supposed to happen to me. This...isn't how this appointment is supposed to go! How could I be a woman and not be able to do a simple function like create life inside of me when that's what I'm supposed to do as a woman? How can women around me everyday conceive babies without giving it any thought? How can something so precious be snatched out of my life before I even had a chance to try?? If only I could have lived a better life. Prayed more...fasted more...paid my tithes more...read my Bible more...ate better...worked out more...something. ANYTHING!
This mountain is hard. Way harder than I imagined it to be. I've known since I was 14 that children was never really in the plan for me BUT I tried to remain optimistic. I tried to convince myself that with time maybe my journey would change. Something's we battle for ourselves....and something's we battle for others. This battle and fight....I carry for someone else. I don't know why this happened to me and I don't know why I was picked for it BUT I will fight to overcome it. I will fight and speak up and out for all of the women who battle infertility issues daily and don't speak out about them. I will fight to show the world that I am strong and capable. Most of all....I will fight for Moeneak. So if you see me crying...just know that I'm fighting to overcome the greatest challenge I've ever been faced with. I'm fighting daily...hourly...minute by minute and second by second to be stronger than I was the day before!!!
I'm fighting for a world of women who bare my pains and struggles but don't know how to overcome them.
This battle is not mine.....
Thank you to EVERYONE for the calls, text messages, prayers and words of encouragement. I really really appreciate them more than I could ever say!! Thank you for everything!!!
Speak your truths. Let them fall from your mouth or forever hold them and know no peace. -K. Raymer
I love you always,
Moeneak
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