Thursday, November 9, 2017 9:59 am.  I've been wanting to speak my truths from this 8 month recovery journey but every time I sat down to write...nothing.  For months I have not been able to articulate and put my truths, thoughts, and feelings into motion.  And yesterday, out of no where all of the feels just hit me and words flew out effortlessly. And even with me speaking my truths I feel ashamed.  I feel judged.  I feel wrong for living in my truths and speaking about them.  One might say that I should be more grateful because I made it out to the other side.  Whatever the other side looks like and believe you me...I am so grateful.  So very, very grateful BUT the journey has been rough.  The journey still is rough.   

My journey has been nothing short of rainbows and butterflies.  This journey has broken me in my ways that I didn't even know I could be broken into. My truths reflect other peoples truths because when it's all said and done...people have projected their own truths on me.  Let me explain....

3 weeks after my surgery I was back to real world life.  I was out and about and surrounding myself around people...outside of my small village.  Women from all over the world were writing me well wishes..sending me crystals and gifts, checking up on me, offering encouraging words (or so they thought) along with a lot of other things.  And one of the topics that stands out to me like an apple growing on an orange tree is the truths of others that I know; as well as, women that I do not know.  Women who had suffered with miscarriages and infertility were dumping their truths on me like I was a porta potty and I was okay with that.  I encourage others to speak their truths BUT not at the disposal and downplay of mine.  

Oh, Moeneak you should be happy that you don't have children.  You know, having children is not all that it's cracked up to be.  Just think, you have a wonderful life with your husband and you guys can pick up and leave whenever you want.  Moeneak, babies are sooo expensive.  Just think about how much money you are saving.  Don't worry...you can borrow my kids whenever you like.  God, has a plan for you and maybe children just weren't in the plan.  Listen honey, I'm not sure what Encouragement 101 class these people took but this is a wonderful lesson on shit that you SHOULDN'T say to any woman who can not EVER conceive a child.  These words pierced in my heart every time I heard them spewed at me or whenever I read them.  When the people who spoke these words over me my body became numb.  I grew a strong resentment towards them.  

Ladies and gentleman, it is easy to spew words and statements like the above when you're living a life that women like me envy.  When you've been blessed with a child or multiple children and the only thing that I've ever wanted was to be a mother...and to have that life ripped from right under me...these are not statements that I want to hear. EVER. And these are not statements and words that should be spewed from your mouth to me or any woman like me who is suffering from endometriosis or infertility.  

These words pierce my soul so deep that it has hardened my heart for wanting children now, and maybe other factors contributed to the space that I am in now too.  Before my surgery I knew that I wanted children.  I knew that I could never have my own children BUT I've always known that I wanted to adopt children.  Until these truths of others were dumped on me.  I have been in a space for MONTHS now of not wanting children and I want absolutely nothing to do with children.  In any capacity of life.  Which is hard because my husband wants children and bad.  We have been blessed with amazing God children, nieces, nephews, and cousins that surround us in our daily lives.  This space that I am in right now is very dark and confusing.  I mentioned how some of my closest friends and family members dropped their truths on me concerning how they didn't want children and they weren't sure if they would ever want children....and how I'm pose to take that? Do you know how hard it is to be open and encouraging to them because these in fact are their truths and feels?? And that right is given to every woman but how hurtful is it to wonder why those truths are dumped on me? Am I wrong for wondering why God wouldn't place this journey on women who don't want children anyway?? Not that I wish any of them bad wishes, so please don't misinterpret what I am saying.  I'm simply letting you in on the thoughts and questions that troubled my mind.  I mean...why me??? God??? Why me??? 

And let me make this clear, I don't think these feels and words were spewed out to me in a shady manner.  I think these men and women really meant well wishes to me and my husband but the delivery was just off.  Way off.  And I am trying very hard to work through this dark space that I am in because I don't want to shut out God's plan for my life.  I don't want to move in this journey and space out of fear and resentment.  I have been praying and talking to God about my life and this journey and plan that he has for me.  And in some of those prayers I am asking him to show me some signs and he is doing just that.  Pastor Lance preached a message on Sunday titled Generous Justice and this message hit home so hard for me.  Adoption is a beautiful reflection of God's love.  The Bible speaks about true religion in a reflection of taking care of the orphans.  And the following scriptures really penetrated my soul..Proverbs 31:8-9, Deuteronomy 10:18, and Proverbs 19: 17  and Psalms 82:3.  I  needed those scriptures and small nuggets from God.  I needed to know that even though my plan did not go at all how I wanted or envisioned it that I could still be a reflection of God's love towards me through adoption.  Sorting through this journey is hard man.  In the dark moments I'm always wondering how in the world God is going to get the glory out of this situation?  And then I receive messages, emails, phone calls of women letting me know their truths and how my journey has blessed them.  I'm really honored and happy by it all.   My husband and I sat still during this service and we let those words from God sink into our hearts and the tears began to fall from my eyes....

And although, I am not 100% in a space of certainty when it comes to wanting children, I am open.  Wide open to the path and journey of our lives together as a family.  I will not allow my fears to be projected into my journey. I will not grieve in silence.  I sit in my truths and moments honestly and very vulnerably.  I honestly don't know if things are getting better for me or if I am just getting really good at adjusting to the changes of my life but life feels better...I feel better.  Not everyday, but today and that's okay.  I'm resting in the power of knowing that I can take all of the time that I need to heal....from loss....from pain....from resentment....and from hurt.  I will and I am taking care of me.  Standing in my truths has made it possible for many of you to do the same.  So I stand tall and although it is dark, there is light here too, and, there will be a brighter light again soon. And I will set my truths free to breathe and when they are no longer my truths I will start anew and live in my new ones.  

Speak your truths and let your heart be heard, for even disaster is beautiful when it is pure. 


-Moeneak