Hey Lovies,
September 06, 2009....... a day that was supposed to be the happiest day in my life. I waited twenty two long years to be in this position. I dreamed about my wedding day for so long. My envision of what it would be like, my envision of what a marriage was supposed to resemble. It was a day that I believed was the best day of my life. I stood there with a huge smile on my face. A mask of smiles that I had worn for over two years. I longed and prayed for others to see through the smile and connect with the hurt and pain that I was really experiencing. But if they were to see through the hurt would I listen? Would I take the necessary steps to get me out of this situation? Or would I ignore them and continue to live in this pain? How long would I allow myself to endure this unhappiness? How long would I try to prove to the people who said that my marriage wouldn't last past a year that I could stick it out and overcome? When does enough become enough? When does my desire for total and complete happiness come first?
September 06, 2010....... the day that my world shattered and crashed to the ground. (Or so I believed) The day that I signed my divorce papers. The day that I was freed from all traces of unhappiness, hurt, and pain. The day that my life started over. The day that I should have realized that I was being blessed with a second chance at life. The day that changed my life forever......
For those of you who don't know, back in 2009 I made the best and worst decision of my life by getting married. I say best and worst because now looking back on it and all of the knowledge that I gained from the experience, I have every right to be grateful. I like most women in the world had a vision and plan for my life. Ladies, you know the be married by a certain age, have children by this age, establish yourself in a career plan. Yeah, well my plan was to be married by 22, have my first child at age 25, and be established in my Psychology career completely by 30. Ha. That certainly didn't go as planned. Although, I was married by 22 but never was it in the plan for me to be divorced by 23. But boy does life have a way of throwing curve balls at you. My decision to marry my ex-husband was based solely on a plan. Did I love him? Absolutely. Was I even remotely close to being ready for a life long commit like marriage? Absolutely not. But I had a plan. Was he ready for a life long commit like marriage? Uh...no. Was I aware of this?? Of course...but, I had a plan. You see, I had a plan and that plan was going to be followed regardless of the outcome. I didn't care about being unhappy. I didn't care about being hurt. I didn't care about the disfunction. I didn't care about MOENEAK. I cared about Moeneak's plan and only that.
I never realized how much I was hurting myself until I moved 6.5 hours away from my family and friends. I was taken out of my comfort zone and thrown into an environment that I was not mentally, physically, or emotionally able to deal with. My marriage had its share of ups and downs. Just like any marriage. More downs than ups for me though. I lost myself in this marriage. I tried so hard to be someone that I wasn't and to prove to those around me that I was built for this. I tried to be this strong and submissive women to a man who I didn't trust to run our household. A man who I felt no sense of security with. A man who I was not happy with. A man who I was never intended to be with. A man who I was afraid of. A man who I didn't walk side by side with because we could never agree on anything. Now I know some of you might think that I place the blame on him...well I don't. I fault no one but myself. I made the decision to connect myself with someone who I should not have. I made the decision to disobey proper guidance from others when it came to marrying him. I made the decision to remain in a relationship that was not allowing me to grow and better myself. I am not angry with my ex-husband. I am angry with myself. I know better. I was not raised like this. I was raised as a very strong, independent women. I was raised to know right from wrong. But if I turn away now what will others say about me? How will other people look at me? How long before everyone forgets about this? How long before the hurt and pain ends?
September 16, 2014.......I am now 27 years old. A lot wiser and a lot happier. I have no husband....no children....and I am still not in my field of study. I am happier then I have ever been in my life, I am free, I am at a place where I can lift up my hands and thank God for allowing me to go through my marriage and divorce experience. It was an experience that taught me the importance of having a relationship with God. It taught me how honorable and valueable marriage can be when you're marrying the one that God has predestined for you to marry. It taught me the power of walking in agreement. It taught me how to love Moeneak even when no one else will. It taught me the importance of communication. It taught me that it is okay for me to be weak and allow God to be my strength. It taught me that my plans are certainly not like God's plans and that even though I don't always understand his will for my life it's better to just follow him. It taught me that it's okay to mess up. Without a mess up I would never know God can pick me up and turn my whole entire world around. I am not my past failures. I am not my past mistakes. I am not that 22 year old girl without a voice. I stand strong in my beliefs and I now know and believe for myself that I am far more worthy of everything that God has for me. I disobeyed him and he yet and still gave me a way of escape. He yet blessed me with far more than I could ever imagine. My marriage and divorce was a stepping stone to get me to this exact place that I am in right now. I would not be who I am today without this experience. It took me 4 years to get to this place that I am in now. Emotionally. I have those days where I long to be married and I know that it will happen for me but not at the cost of a plan dealine. At the right time and with the right man that God has for me.
Always remember that just because you have a plan for your life it doesn't mean that God has the same plan. Line up with his plan and watch how amazing your life will be. Just like me you can recover. It takes time to heal all wounds but it is possible. Never neglect who you are for anyone. Stand strong and firm on what you believe in. Your happiness is what ultimately matters. And finally you will realize...you can't force "it" to be something. You can't force consistency, loyalty, or even honesty. You can't force them to keep their word, or to communicate, or to realize something special is in front of them...we've all been there and done that. Know your worth!!!
Love you much,
Moeneak
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